6 Ways to Deal When People Comment on Your Weight
by Tiffany Walking Eagle | 10-minute read
Please note that I am not a therapist or nutritionist. I simply want to share what I’ve learned in the hopes of helping others along in their self-love journey. I always, always point people in the direction of therapy because no matter how big or small your struggles seem, therapy can give you the tools to work through them and heal. Thanks for reading <3
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry that people think it’s okay to comment on your weight. I know it can be an incredibly difficult and hurtful thing to hear, no matter who it’s from.
If you’re reading this, I’m sure at some point in your life, whether it’s a family member, friend, or complete stranger, someone has commented on your weight in a hurtful way. The intention may not have been to hurt you, but it still did.
Even worse, maybe whoever it is who makes remarks about your body won’t let up. Or maybe they’ve stopped, but their words still echo in your mind when you look in the mirror or walk down the street.
I feel you. It’s hard.
I’ve had a number of people in my life comment on my weight, starting with my own mother. I was the “chubby child” in my family, even when I was very young and not “chubby” at all.
You can’t control what other people do. You just can’t. But you can choose how to react, and you can also learn to set boundaries where you need to.
So while you will never be able to guarantee that people will stop commenting, I’d like to give you the tools I’ve found to be able to handle the comments better and not let them affect your self-worth so much. I promise that with some practice, things can get better!
1. Remember that it’s not actually about you.
I was talking with my therapist about my struggles with people in my life commenting on my weight and how I look, how I’ve gained weight, calling me chubby, etc,, and she said this: “People point out the things in others that they cannot cope with within themselves.”
In other words, the reason people say those things to you is because they themselves struggle with self-acceptance. They berate themselves over their weight and likely have a negative body image. Their comments really aren’t about you; it’s far more about them.
It doesn’t excuse their behavior/words. And it won’t suddenly make you feel totally cool with the fact that the comments happen. However, it can help you understand the why behind the comments and shift your focus a bit.
You may also like How to Love Yourself When You’ve Gained Weight
2. Open up to someone you trust.
Having someone comment on or criticize your body can make you want to hide. Most of us already struggle enough with feeling self-conscious about our bodies or appearance, so to have someone else confirm our worst fears is incredibly painful.
If you are tempted to hide away and isolate yourself, I beg of you, for your own mental health, don’t. Find someone you trust who will listen to your struggles and empathize. Share what you feel comfortable sharing, and reach out to them if you’re stressed about being around someone who tends to make hurtful comments or when someone has said something harmful.
Having a kind and trustworthy friend to talk to during those tough times can help you not feel so alone. And I promise that if you can release some of that hurt and frustration by sharing it with someone rather than internalizing it, you’ll feel much better.
3. Mentally prepare for negative comments when you can.
If you know you’re about to be around someone who has a tendency to make negative comments, rather than settling for an impending sense of dread and anxiety leading up to the event, try mentally preparing.
What will that look like? Perhaps thinking of ways to respond or react, even on the inside.
Ask yourself what your typical reaction to these comments is, and reflect on whether that reaction could serve you better.
I know for myself, I tend to react very little on the outside. I generally don’t say much of anything in response to hurtful words, but inside, my mind is reeling. It’s too easy for me to go down an incredibly negative downward spiral of thoughts in reaction to a comment on my body, and the only person I’ve hurt by allowing myself down that path is me.
Whether you tend to react internally, externally, or a mix of both, it might be a good idea to thoughtfully examine your reaction and see what you could do better for your own benefit.
What could you change for the better? Are there positive affirmations you could think/say to yourself that would help you go down a better path?
Here are a few ideas of affirmations to think or say to yourself:
I am more than my body.
My weight or appearance does not define me.
I do not need or desire anyone else to approve of my body or my appearance.
I value my body because it allows me to experience the world around me.
I accept my body as it is, right now, perfectly imperfect.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself to help direct your thoughts in a more positive way:
Do you want to allow the opinions of others to hold you back from living your life or loving yourself?
Do you want to allow the opinions or words of others to determine your self-worth?
Imagine being given two choices: the choice to allow the opinions of others to dictate your thoughts and actions, or, the choice to take back power over your thoughts and actions and value yourself for you. Which would you choose?
Does anyone else’s opinion determine your beauty or your value?
Those are some seriously heavy questions but I hope they help you stop and think. I hope they help you realize that NO ONE ELSE’S OPINION DEFINES YOU. Sorry for shouting…I’m just so passionate about this.
You are human, and words hurt. Don’t expect to always be impervious to the words or opinions of others right away. But I want you to have some tools in your arsenal that you can use to begin to question the negativity. And not just question it, but interrogate it and reason your way out of it with some honest introspection.
It is possible to learn to stop believing it and start understanding that you are so much more.
Related post: How to Build Your Self-Worth When No One Taught You How
4. Practice ways to respond, i.e., “I’m not comfortable discussing this with you.”
Come up with some responses to the comments that are kind but firm, and go over them in your mind, even practice them out loud.
Having phrases ready to go can help you get the words out and make the first step toward setting boundaries.
5. Set boundaries if needed.
It might be time for an honest conversation with the person who continually says these things. That may sound stressful and downright scary depending on your relationship with them, but if you can work up the courage, it may improve the situation. Some people have no idea of the impact of their words, and while it’s obvious to you, they may not realize how hurtful their words are.
Explain to them that their comments have been hurtful. Let them know that while to them, their comments may have felt insignificant, they were significant to you.
Practice and prepare for the conversation, and approach it in the way that feels the least scary. Perhaps write out what you want to say in a letter, or even a text message. Whatever first step you can take toward expressing your feelings, take it.
On the other hand, you may know that if you express your feelings about this to this person, they may completely write it off. They may make excuses, be defensive, or tell you you’re too sensitive.
If that’s the case, whether you want to express your feelings to them is completely up to you. I completely understand not wanting to confront them if that’s how they react because that can make you question your emotions and invalidate your feelings.
In that case, it becomes absolutely crucial that you work to love who you are regardless of their opinion. So do what is right for you, and focus on yourself.
6. Work toward a powerful level of self-acceptance.
One of the reasons others’ words have hurt is partly due to the fact that you struggle with your body image.
If you loved who you are and fully understood that you are so much more than your body, why would others’ opinions hold any weight?
Like I said prior, you can’t control other people, but you can control what you choose to do, think, and believe.
You can never guarantee the comments will stop, but you can take action toward building up your self-worth and accepting your body the way it is, right now.
It won’t be instant, and it will take work. It will not be a pretty, perfect journey, but as long as you keep moving forward and don’t give up, you will progress.
Don’t pressure yourself to love every flaw. Start with body image neutrality.
Here’s what that looks like:
Look in the mirror and observe the things you struggle to love on your body. Cellulite on your thighs, rolls and stretch marks across your belly, fat deposits on your arms, whatever it may be. And say/think something like this:
These are human arms. They work how arms should. They move and pick things up.
This is my belly. It moves when I move, and it is normal.
These are my legs. They get me places and allow me to move.
Slowly but surely, start to shift your focus toward the things your body does for you rather than the minor details we tend to consider flaws.
Changing your mindset from viewing your body as flawed or not enough to a neutral viewpoint that acknowledges what your body has done for you is huge.
Next, work on exploring more of who you are.
Pour energy into doing things you love, and discover some new things about yourself.
Research and find causes you’re passionate about. Figure out your views on life, politics, and the world. Try a new skill or hobby like dancing or archery or art or skateboarding or playing an instrument, and don’t give up on it when it gets hard or uncomfortable! You’re worth the effort.
Pretty soon, you’ll start to see that your body is definitely not the most interesting thing about you…so why hyperfocus on it?
If you can do the work to accept yourself the way you are, the weight of others’ opinions and words will start to diminish.
I wish you all the best on your journey, and I believe in you! You can do this!
I hope these tips helped give you some tools to deal with the negative comments in a more productive and positive way. If you have any questions or want to share your struggles/story, leave me a comment below and let’s chat! As always, thanks for reading. <3